Dis Day Me No Write Gud…

Despite the fact that I have a job in writing believe it or not there are times when I simply have a horrendous time making my fingers behave in a way that produces any sort of readable communication… today is one of those days.  So after scalding my misbehaving digits in hot water for misbehaving I went seeking out something to pleasure my eyes with since they've been much more well behaved…

But alas I'm at work, and while I look at porn more often then is entirely appropriate at work (usually with my boss and coworkers behind me offering in-depth opinions and critiques to the content as if it were new age expressionism or something) I strive to maintain a degree of professionalism here because I'm sharing my office with the job superintendant.   (His desk is across the room from mine with our backs to each other and my screen shots might offend the girls he flirts over webcam with.)

So I look at writings instead.  And I found a very enlighting article on Pirates and Ninjas.  I don't usually compromise my principles by throwing other people's writing on my blog… but as I said earlier, my fingers aren't cooperating and I can't seem to form a single comprehensible written sentence, so I'll post only the first bit.  For the rest you can go over to take a look.

Here it is:


Ninjas and pirates. Tom and Jerry. Mods and rockers. Catholics and everyone else. Since time immemorial these groups have fought, for no better reason than some ancient grudge handed down through generations. But why is the ninja the natural enemy of the pirate? One hangs around in the Caribbean circa the 17th century and the other in the Edo period of feudal Japan, so one would think they'd never have a chance to meet. But somehow they did, and somehow they became sworn foes that make George Bush and Saddam Hussein look like fucking Butch and Sundance.

Tonight, we ask… can ninjas and pirates exist in harmony?

To determine the answer to this stupid question, I fired up my ancient copy of The Sims and quickly rustled up one simulated pirate and one simulated ninja. I decided to make them of opposing sexes, to create a thick atmosphere of sexual tension not unlike Mulder and Scully, if Scully wore tight black pyjamas and Mulder hated her guts. Let's take a look at our candidates:


Jim Pirate – who, if you're having trouble, is the top one – dresses in fairly traditional mid-level pirate gear; he's no cabin boy but then again he's not the kind of pirate who wears a gigantic tricorne hat and a beard that contains more lice than actual beard. I gave him two Nice points because he once cut out an enemy pirate's heart and DIDN'T show it to him before he died. Also note the blood splatter on his shirt, which may be related.

The most glaring differences between Jim and Eiko's personalities are in the Neat and Playful areas. Ninjas are nothing if not neat – they can shuriken you up the wazoo before you even know they're in the building – but you certainly won't find them in a ninja bar chugging a pitcher of Cooleys New while all the other ninjas chant encouragingly. Incidentally, Eiko goes without gloves because the Sims skin editor is a mean bastard that won't let you change the look of a person's hands. I had to reject my original idea for a 'pirate living with Jesus' article because I couldn't add the stigmata.

Let's take a look at where they'll be living.

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About Helmsman

Importing a Vox Blog.
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