Every once in a while some retarded homophobic nutjob tells me that if their government ever allows single-sex civil unions, the next step will be to allow people to marry their dogs, cats, horses, 8 year-old sisters, and potentially all 6 of them at once.
My first impulse when this argument comes around is to smack the person upside the head with a two-by-four. The second impulse is to berate them until they wish I'd followed my first impulse. My lawyers tell me choosing the second is the smarter move, then they tell me I don't pay them enough which causes me to seriously question their judgement but so far I've done more berating then scull bashing.
So today kids I will calmly explain why two people of the same gender getting to file their taxes together and stay after visiting hours together in the hospital does not amount to legalizing hot sweaty monkey sex with… well… a monkey.
In 1776 some crackpots from a backwater colony decided to write a letter to their king telling him to fuck off. Some time after that people started to think that maybe the letter they wrote had some potential, they re-read it and said "Hey, maybe we should model a country off of what's said here!" It seemed like a good idea at the time so they ran with it. In this, the words of that letter's writer's outlasted them and became something great. That letter was the the Declaration of Independence.
"We hold these truths to be self-evident, that all men are created equal, that they are endowed by their Creator with certain unalienable Rights, that among these are Life, Liberty and the pursuit of Happiness."
All men are entitled to these things. Interestingly enough, many of the original founding fathers who wrote this letter didn't believe that all men were created equal. Some believed that there were racial divides that made certain people better than others. This gave them a mandate to enslave these lesser people. However, their words outlasted them, and through civil war and strife the People of America came to decide that all people should truly be equal and that one man should not enslave another. Discrimination existed long after these chains of slavery were broken, but slowly a government endeavored to put the crimes of slavery behind it and forge a world of equal opportunity for all. At no point though have Animals ever been given the rights, and privileges of men. Laws have been enacted to protect animals as beings that deserve to exist on this planet just as we do, however no law has ever equated an animal to being the same as a man.
Animals cannot file tax returns, they cannot manage their finances, they cannot have bank accounts. They cannot own land under the same laws that a human does. Therefore a civil union with an animal will never happen.
But what about the sex?! Wouldn't it be only a short reach of logic to allow horse humping and cow poking to become legal? Will there ever be a time when the term 'fucking the dog' wont be a euphemism for doing nothing?
Allow me to explain. In your country you have a concept called Statutory Rape. Without going into the details of this, I will summarize. The basic concept is that a person below a certain age is not mentally prepared to make an informed decision regarding the consent for sexual intercourse. IE: An adult may be quite capable of convincing the child that sex is perfectly acceptable, but the law says otherwise.
The same concept applies to animals because they are never mentally equipped to consent to any such actions. Therefore any sort of sexual congress with any animal is quite simply abuse of that animal, and in the eyes of the law will never ever be legal or acceptable.
So you need not worry, allowing Bruce and Henry to do their taxes together won't ever make it right and acceptable for man to make sweet love to his sheep. No matter how much you like to watch you sick bastard!
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