How to do a Marketing E-Mail RIGHT!

It's a good thing my spam folder didn't suck this one up.  Normally it rivals the mythical hooker who can suck a golf-ball through a garden hose.  


Subject: For Woot Friends ONLY!

Date: February 18, 2009 9:17:02 AM PST

To:  schoonerhelm

DO NOT DELETE, schoonerhelm!

Read this Woot newsletter and watch your dreams come true – ignore it and you will meet terrible misfortune! Veronica L. of Riverdale, Ohio

received this message, failed to read it, and died of natural causes a mere 58 years later! In contrast, Joe B. of Wilmington, Delaware read

it voraciously more than two times, and soon received a promotion to Vice-President! Before you click "delete", ask yourself: would you

rather be DEAD or VICE-PRESIDENT? Your future could depend on it!

Um… I'd rather not be "DEAD" and your mystical time traveling abilities intrigue me because I know your company certainly hasn't been around 60 years yet… so I must read further!

Recessionary Wooting Report

Like everybody else, we're waiting for our business to collapse and force us back into exotic dancing. But to our immense relief, lately a lot of woots have been selling out way earlier than we expected. You've bought 10,000 Ion USB turntables, 18,000 LED booklight three-packs, 25,000 USB Bluetooth dongles, 7,500 Kodak Digital Picture Frames, 1,000 Recaro child car seats, and 17,155 Powersquid two-packs, almost all before breakfast on their respective days, according to the stats on the first page of each sale's discussion thread. Whew! Guess we can leave our pasties in the closet for now. Just goes to show, you have to get up pretty early to beat the hordes of slavering deal-psychos Woot attracts every single day. (And don't forget about Sellout.Woot, where the deals are just as good, but come with a little more elbow room.) In these tight economic times, we'd like to thank you for letting your debilitating shopping addiction go untreated.

Well I'm glad you're doing well.  I too worry about having to take up a career in exotic dancing since my last attempt ended with one critic claiming, – and I quote – "I've seen white boys &^@% farm animals with more grace than you dancing."

…. Goes on, says some marketing stuff… you get the idea.  Then ends with this:

And if you're still reading, congratulations! Your life will soon be blessed with an embarrassment of riches, mostly in the form of remaindered and obsolete consumer electronics! We'll let you run along and sign up for all of those Twitter feeds now. We have a feeling you're going to need them soon.

Oh you betcha I will!

May every junk email in your Inbox be as awesome as this one –

And may every blog you read be as awesome as mine.  Now where do I buy one of those time-travelly thingys…?

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About Helmsman

Importing a Vox Blog.
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