Matching Mudflaps

If you're a regular reader of my blog, by now you're likely aware of California's gay marriage ban, tempers are flaring, opinions are mounting, and once again I feel it has become incumbent of me to save America from it's citizens.  

The crux of the debate is this, homosexuals feel that their not being allowed to marry is discrimination and folks belonging to various religious groups feel that marriage is a sacred act and thus should be subject to their rules. Now smarter people than I have made points that marriage might not be so sacred, but that argument leads to problems.  Marriage is steeped in fairly universal traditions and rituals, a ring, a white dress, a kiss, some glass tapping, the details vary but they're ritual, and every ritual is sacred to someone.  To say that rituals are not necessarily sacred opens up a can of worms that no one here wants to go fishing with and marriage is obviously a ritual, so therefore it's not up for contention that those who say 'marriage is a sacred act' have a valid point.  

However, divorce is not so sacred.  Divorce is the right of all married Americans given to them by law, and it is exercised by a great many of them.  In 2005 over half of the marriages performed resulted in a divorce, there is no ritual to a divorce, no religious pomp and circumstance, simply legal proceedings.

Gays and lesbians have been denied the right to divorce by the California government, and while the constitution does not list divorce as one of the inalienable rights and freedoms granted to all it's citizens, it does say that people are allowed to be secure in their own persons free from discrimination as long as they break no laws.  

Homosexual acts are not a crime in America, being homosexual is not illegal, so why are gays not free to lose half like everyone else?  This is State sanctioned discrimination based on religious bias which violates several of the core principles the United States Constitution was founded upon.  These days the constitution seems like more of a pirates code of vague "guidelines" than the foundation for the laws of a great nation, but I still take it seriously and believe it should be adhered to, and when push comes to shove I believe the American people are with me in that belief.  Therefore, if this gay divorce ban is to hold and be constitutional, homosexuality needs to be outlawed.

As long as Americans are not willing to make homosexuality illegal, this gay divorce ban is outright unconstitutional discrimination and gays have an obligation to protest it, which puts everyone who doesn't really care for the homosexual lifestyle in a tough spot because they are the ones who pushed for this ban.  Their actions are only stirring the pot and bringing the thing they abhor out and in their faces, whereas if they could swallow their pride and compromise the whole issue would just go away and they wouldn't be confronted by it.  But there are principles at stake here.

The solution is in the etymology.  Marriage is a word that carries a lot of meaning, like Christmas; it has religious significance even though it is used to refer sometimes to acts that are not religious in nature.  The answer is in creating a new word.  In the case of Christmas, the Jews say "Hanukah" and the Atheists say "Ski Trip".  

Thus, the solution to this entire issue is so simple that the fact that no one has implemented it means that I deserve a Nobel Peace Prize.  Instead of using the term "marriage" when referring to a gay or lesbian civil union, it should henceforth be called "Matching Mudflaps".

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Toe Knee’s Theory of Evolution

Long ago I developed my own theory of evolution, and through the course of my life it’s been reinforced over and over again.  Today I discovered another proof in that theory, so I think it’s time to publish.  Here it is:

 

Why Humans Have Evolved Beyond Other Mammals

By Toe Knee

 

Humanity is the self proclaimed dominant lifeform on the planet earth, and for good reason.  The human animal is able to live and prosper on nearly every part of the planet due to it’s ability to adapt and create tools to survive.  But the question arises, why has humanity come so far?  What is the reason behind our prodigious need to adapt and build a better world?  The answer: lack of physical flexibility.

 

Physical flexibility is the pivotal point in humanity’s evolution because with mankind lacks the capability to orally groom their own genitalia. 

 

I postulate that this lack of ability has given humanity the desire and ambition to pursue other methods to simulate the satisfaction that other mammals experience during oral self-grooming.  I also believe that humanity has developed higher mental functions in the constant competitive drive to achieve that sublime state.

 

Some basic examples and proofs that can be quickly found in the natural world show that there is a direct correlation to the intelligence and ambition of a mammal to the amount of time spent orally grooming their own genitalia.  The feline animal for one carries a reasonable amount of intelligence but no ambition beyond basic survival needs.  Their genitalia are among the cleanest of the natural world.  The bovine occupies nearly all it’s time that isn’t spent eating or sleeping in this grooming state to the point where all other parts of their body are neglected. If the bovine carries any intelligence whatsoever it disguises it well.  Other studies were started, and the preliminary findings of them suggested that mental capability was inversely proportional to amount of time focused on self-administered oral genital grooming.  These studies were never concluded though, as the humans involved became increasingly jealous of the animals capabilities subsequently abandoning their work.

 

Because the enjoyment experienced from genital grooming is so unique and sublime, humanity in all it’s current advancements has not been able to artificially simulate or surpass it.  This has lead to two parallel courses of action that humanity uses to achieve this most basic need.  The first is Advertising, this method is a direct solution and involves mankind using their superior mental state to develop or achieve something that will make their own genitalia more enticing for other humans to perform oral grooming on.  Examples of such behavior include getting motorized propulsion devices of aesthetically pleasing design that propel themselves faster than other similar devices, or carry communication artifacts that carry certain exclusive social ramifications in their social circles.  This method has varying degrees of effectiveness and some do not find success using it, so they pursue the alternative.

 

The second method we will call Distraction; is to develop an alternative pleasure to the oral grooming state.  The degree of pleasure gained from this is subject to much debate and conjecture, but many humans find a regimen of alternative pleasures combined with lesser forms of genital grooming such as manually and with certain simple tools to be an effective long term substitute.

 

What’s most interesting about both of these methods is that they both propel humanity to loftier heights in evolutionary advancement.  The first method creates the constant competitive drive for excellence, and the second method innovates and pursues alternative patterns of thinking that in-turn feed the first group.  The computer is an example of this:  Its original development was so that government officials would spend less time counting the heads of the populace they governed and more time enjoying the genital grooming that their lofty positions in human society afforded them. 

 

From that original computer development the second group developed a primitive pleasure alternative called “pong” and many individuals frustrated with the lack of genital stimulation turned to “pong” in the hopes that their minds could be distracted from the constant reminder that they were not receiving adequate genital grooming. 

 

From this first development more sophisticated computers were created and with them more advanced pleasure alternatives came into being.  Today the height of those advancements lie in a highly sophisticated automated pleasure known among it’s users as WoW, a term often used to describe the satisfaction that a particularly enjoyable session of genital grooming would instill.  This WoW uses a combination of Distraction and Advertising that is particularly interesting because it enables humans to create idealistic simulations and interact from a distance.  The permutations of this development are astounding and signal a shift in the human evolution.  Though the number of humans using WoW as a method of Distraction is still far less than the number who employ Advertising, they are significant, and many humans have stated that they may even prefer WoW to traditional genital grooming, a position once held only by a certain ingestible coco and sugar mixture.

 

In conclusion I believe these studies while preliminary, pose a strong argument regarding the value and relevance of this theory in understanding the history of humanity and mapping its future endeavors. 

 

Further questions or comments may be left in the text box at the bottom of this page. 

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